In the past fourteen months time we have gone from a 3,500 sq ft home to a 1,100 sq ft rental apartment and in ten days we move into our new 1,800 sq ft condo. It has been a lot of packing, selling, and donating. Downsizing is hard, plain and simple. I don’t care how attached or unattached you are to your belongings, it’s a huge amount of work and a boat load of emotional struggles. The absolute hardest part of downsizing is dealing with family memorabilia. I have seen many articles that talk about decluttering in reference to downsizing. Now let’s get one thing clear, decluttering is not the same as downsizing. Decluttering is something that should be done on a regular basis, not just when getting ready to downsize. Getting rid of old clothes and extra muffin tins is not the same thing as letting go of an ancestral desk or grandpa’s hand painted decoy collection.
Letting go of family memorabilia
For me, the most difficult part of downsizing has been dealing with the family memorabilia. For reasons I won’t go into, my husband and I became the sole inheritors of the contents of both his mother’s and my mother’s home. Both of our moms were children during the great depression. I assume because of that, neither of them ever threw anything away. Their homes were crammed full from the basement to the attic of family “treasures”. A good amount of that stuff eventually ended up in the basement of our previous home but now that the house is sold it sits in storage. When it was out of sight in the basement it was not an issue. This past year, packed away in a storage unit with high monthly rental fees, it has become impossible to ignore.
Looking at all the boxes of artwork, china, photographs, books, and furniture was overwhelming. My sons have already made it clear they don’t want anything other than some family photos. So why was I holding onto all this stuff other than some self imposed feeling of obligation…or guilt? There really was no valid reason to keep everything yet I was struggling to let it go. That is until one breakthrough moment involving a set of old books.
My watershed moment
Since I can remember, my mother told me a particular set of books was very valuable (although to her everything was “very valuable”) The thing is, these books, although very old (1710) were in terrible condition. The covers were decaying, the spines were broken and the pages were stained. Even so, I can still hear my mother’s voice, “Don’t ever get rid of those books, they are very valuable. Your great great grandfather brought them over from Scotland”.
I have been the care taker of these “valuable books” since my mom’s passing in 2006. Do I care about these books? NO. Will I ever read these books? NO. Do I want to have them in our new condo? HELL NO! Although I knew my mother would be spinning in her grave, I decided to sell them. I think you can guess where this story is headed. I took them to a rare book appraiser. He carefully looked them over and said if I was lucky I might get $50 for the set on eBay. He told me, just because they are old doesn’t make them valuable. Whaat?? Years of finding a place in my home for these tattered and decaying books and they are worth next to nothing? Well that was it. What I did next opened the flood gates for letting go of all the family heirlooms that had no meaning to me.
Letting go
As soon as I got home, I put those “rare and priceless” books into a trash bag. I then walked directly out to the apartment complex dumpster and unceremoniously chucked the bag as deep into the dumpster as I could throw it. I felt almost giddy. The very next day I went to the storage unit and loaded up the car with boxes of family china, artwork, and furniture and drove it all to a local charity. The curse of feeling obligated to keep all this family stuff had been broken. Now my sons won’t have to go through this same struggle when the time comes.
Three questions to ask to help let go of the family memorabilia
These are the three questions I asked myself with everything I was having difficulty letting go of.
- Do I love this or will I use this in my new home? I liked a lot of the things I inherited. That doesn’t mean I used or needed these things. Did I really need twelve cut glass champagne glasses or a dozen oil paintings? In thirty five years of marriage we have never once had twelve friends over for champagne. My great uncle was a Boston artist and had done the oil paintings. They all hung in my childhood home but I had never hung them in my house because they were dark and depressing. Why was I holding onto them?
- Is this item of true value to the family history? We inherited a lot of paperwork. Most of it was trash but we painstakingly went through everything and only kept truly important documents. We narrowed down about ten boxes of paperwork to one. Birth certificates, historic letters, and newspaper articles referencing our relatives made the cut. Old Birthday cards, letters, old house deeds and ledgers went out.
- Will my children want this someday? Even though my kids say they want nothing, I do think there are some things they might want or should have one day. I kept their great grandfather’s WWI metals and a family Christening gown. I kept two large family bibles and two pieces of family art work. One oil painting I kept is of my mother, painted when she was three years old. I also kept a pastel drawing done by my grandmother of three dogs in a field. China, glassware, furniture and old books went out.
Closing the chapter on downsizing
Our downsizing is now almost complete. It took close to three years to get to where we are now. My biggest take-a-way is that downsizing is a process and the more time you can give yourself the better.
If you are thinking of downsizing and are not sure where to start you might find this post I wrote worth reading on the The three phases of downsizing.
If you are going to start your downsizing process by decluttering check out my tips and strategies for decluttering part one, decluttering part two and decluttering part three.
Game on. I recently redid my kitchen and moved everything to the basement, I have only moved back about 25% of the stuff (including a dozen champagne glasses 😉 and am going to be so strict about what makes it into my space. That Marie Condo book freaked me out, but I am often asking myself, does this bring me joy.
Thank you Linda! I appreciate your post.
Thanks Eileen. I feel the same way about our new condo as you do about your kitchen. I am determined to have no boxes piled up in the basement. I only want to bring in those things that I love and add value or beauty to our lives.
Man! I have this in my future. Thanks for alleviating some of the guilt.
Guilt is a powerful limiting emotion. My parents are both long gone so there really was no reason to let guilt burden me anymore. Take what you love from your mothers future estate, sell or donate the rest and don’t look back!
Linda, I can’t tell you how much this post has helped me. We, too, are going to be downsizing in about 2 years. My struggle in even starting that process is dealing with the same words your mother and mine said about not throwing out the old books, magazines and paintings because they are /were so valuable! After we had the estate sale at my mother’s home and received a fraction of what she thought “things” were worth, I thought I would be able to go through the remaing items and old family photos and documents with speed and ease. But alas, boxes and bags stare at me every day because I refuse to put them in the attic. Time to order a dumpster! Thank you, Linda, for the inspiration and motivation to take the big step forward.
Thanks Susan, i assumed if I was struggling others must be as well. It is so darn hard. We had an estate sale when my mom first passed. The appraiser told me we had about $25,000-$30,000 worth of contents. When the sale was over we made less than $4,000 and the 80% of stuff that didn’t sell went into our basement in a Boxford. This is all the stuff I finally decided to let go. I wish you the best! You’ll get there just like I did.
Loved your article. My daughter demanded I read it. I guess I have made her feel guilty because she does not care to keep much of anything of my or her great & grandmothers treasures. I agonize over each item when deciding: keep, Goodwill or E-bay.
I think now I have courage to finish cleaning the attic.
I do not want my children burdened with this task
Thank you! Barb
Barbara, I teared up reading your comment. If only my mom and MIL had realized what a burden they placed on us by dumping all their stuff on us. I know they would not have wanted to cause us so much stress. My two sons feel the same way as your daughter so it was time to stop kicking the van down the road so to speak.
Great blog post. Don’t know if I could have thrown those books away but it must have been a good feeling to ‘let go’.
Sandy, I think if I hadn’t thrown the books away I would still be stuck. They represented the plug that way holding me back.
So timely, as today, we are heading to my mother-in-law’s to pack up the items left after 3 months of culling and sorting. She moved into a retirement home after her stroke this past spring. She’s taken a lot to her new apartment, she has art and some collectibles and books, it’s almost getting too full. Then after donating some items, letting family and friends look over the rest, she is finally ready to let us donate. Her last round was this weekend, she laid out all the remaining china, art, tablecloths, dishes, collectibles, etc. She had an open house for her neighbors (an over 55 community where they are mostly in their 80’s now). I was there with her and she had fun seeing everyone and seeing some of her things go to someone she knew. Not much went home with them, a crystal punch bowl, a stained quilt, antique tablecloth….a few items. But it was cathartic for her. It made the process 5 times longer than it had to be for us, but now, hopefully we can wrap this up, stage and sell the house so she can focus on building some relationships in her new community. I learned a lot in this process too, mostly how to deal with the elderly when this time comes. It takes time! Great post Linda! Can’t wait to see your new house!
Big props to your mil for letting go. I I remember back about ten years before my mother passed having the downsizing conversation with her. She said , oh, we’ll worry about that once I hit 85 years old. She died at 82. I know she would never have been able to downsize. I wouldn’t say she was a hoarder but growing up in the depression left a big scar on her. She thought everything she inherited was “very valuable “ or “priceless”. Of course 99% of it was worth nothing. The books were the perfect example!
wonderful post, so many of us need to read this … more than once for sure…
Thanks CarolAnne, it seems to be a common problem right now as so many baby boomers are starting the downsizing process.
What a great post! The three questions to ask are spot on and you are 100% correct, decluttering should be a part of your routine. We just moved and while we didn’t really downsize, we did need to let go of some things.
I agree Julie, downsizing or not, it’s still a good idea to stay on top of the decluttering. Once we move, i’m going to be ruthless with what we move back in.
Great post Linda! I think when you share your struggles and break through, makes it easier for others.
My parents are both gone and my mother in law passed one year ago and my husbands family took months going through and dealing with STUFF. I see and hear it all the time. So we decided a year ago that we don’t want our children to have to do the same, so we approached our basement with that in mind and prepared for future downsizing. I’ll bet you feel so much better!!!
Thanks Patti. Good for you for addressing it early. Your children will be so grateful not to have to sort through in the future.
WELL DONE!!! I am filing this away. I am THERE… you’ve inspired me by giving me parameters and insight.
Thanks Jill, give yourself plenty of time so you won’t feel overwhelmed or worse, pay thousands of dollars in storage fees like we did.
This is a great post! The struggle is real! I am looking at this in the not too distant future as well. I advocate for a dumpster every 10 years…I’m a few years behind, but the last time we had one here for renovations it was so wonderful to clear out a bunch of unnecessary stuff while it was sitting here!
Hi Janet, it really is a struggle. Most of us own too much stuff, it’s like a sickness!
Linda,
Great article! Thank you! As a Senior Real Estate Specialist, I often help clients smart size into the right home. Purging a lifetime of stuff and often several generations of it, is often the case. It can be an overwhelming project. I suggest calling a Realtor with a SRES deisgnation who has taken the time to learn about the team of specialists needed for this kind of move and call them well ahead of time. Even a year or two before the actual move is not too soon and the way that I can be most effective. I would love to interview you for my blog!
Hi Diane, I agree two years is a good goal to starting to address a major downsizing. Also, happy to be interviewed for your blog.
Great post (as usual)! But I have to admit that even though I did the thing (it is a “thing”, right?) 13 years ago, it was not quite enough. You just gave me another push! Good luck with the move!
Thanks Susan. I think going forward I am going to reassess every year if there is more I need to purge. Like you, I still know there is more to let go.
I loved reading this. I usually pride myself on being able to let go of items. But recently I surprised myself when I was unable to get rid of a piece of furniture that has been taking up way too much space in my home. I’ve listed it twice and have withdrawn it twice. Yet I crack my toes on that thing repeatedly. And the best part is that it’s not even a family heirloom. It’s mine and has always been mind. So crazy this is, I tell you. This was just help I needed.
Hi Ola, some of the things in the early stages of our downsizing were the most insignificant things yet I couldn’t bare to part with them. It’s funny the things we get attached to. Someone should write a book about it!
What a great and helpful post Linda. Congratulations! As you know, 3 years ago I cleaned out my mother’s place and within 2 weeks was cleaning out my condo of 20+ years. I was determined to make a “clean” start and never looked back. I’m glad I kept the few things I did, but certainly do not miss that which I gave away, sold or donated (or um, trashed). I felt lightyears younger! All the best in your new home (can’t wait to see).
I sure do remember your big downsizing. Like you I want a fresh start in our new home.
What a great article! I’m in the process of cleaning out my late mother’s condo. She had so many “things”! I have my own condo, with my own “things”! What to do? Sadly, my 3 nephews want nothing. My father was a woodworker and made her beautiful tables and a grandfather clock. I’ve got little room for such large items. Help!!
I feel your pain Cheryl-Ann. It is heartbreaking to make decisions to let go of those things we truly love. I know in my case, it was very difficult but once the pain wore off I honestly don’t miss anything. Best of luck to you!
Another question is to ask yourself is, :”If I lost it in a fire, would I replace it?” That one has had me tossing faster than all the rest.
I LOVED your encouragement here. We’re in the process of downsizing from and to similar sized space after 56 years of marriage. Doing this has taken much longer than we ever anticipated.
We, too, have just downsized from 3500 sq ft to about 1500 sq ft. Downsizing is plain and simply HARD! We still have things in boxes in our new place and also in a storage unit and my vow is to get rid of most of that within the month. Many of my parent’s treasures my grown children did not want, so I donated them to a thrift store that supports my granddaughter’s school. I felt like my mother would be pleased that the money the store (hopefully) makes on these items will benefit my granddaughter and her school.
Thank you so much for this post! My grandmother’s home and my mother’s home are both filled to the brim and overflowing. I know that, one day, it will be my job to go through their belongings and try not to keep everything. For the past few months, I have been helping my mother clean her house and downsize her belongings. What she moved into this tiny house was already too much, but she has continued, over the past 15 years, to bring more things IN without taking anything OUT. I’ve got furniture from about 5 family members that I hang onto out of some sense of obligation, but I know for sure that I don’t want to burden my kids with any of my stuff! Your post is a good reminder to keep only what I love!
I totally get the emotional stress of having to “Let Go.” I have a brother and a sister, nieces and nephews… for some reason I seem to be keeper of my parents memories. The family all say they don’t have room. Well, neither did I! I think the worst is the photographs. My parents left thousands of photos. Then I was the photographer in the family so I had millions of photos as well. I drove two large boxes over to my brother’s house when he wasn’t home and left him some of those photos with instructions… tag, you’re it! None of us want to throw out photos. Some dated back to my great grandmother. It has to be done, downsizing that is… it’s just a matter of now or later.
Hi Nancy, I will say this is one of the most difficult things I have been through. We are still dealing with the final batch of memorabilia. Like you, no one in my family would take anything.
Yes, seems I am left with all the cedar chests, China, 3 kids’ toys, dear Mum’s and Grannie’s and Aunt’s things——family all complained that I was spoiled and kept it all but no one came to get anything!!!!!!! This is all I know, with my degree of arthritis I have learned I must do this now as in 5 years I will not be able to accomplish this for my son and I. Yes, we have been the center of the big gatherings—-but once Mum passed family either moved or passed away💔 looking forward to our new very very small home with no yard and freedom from constantly paying for what comes with a beautiful big older home on a lake! Sad to leave but we must❣️
Hi Nancy, it will be the hardest and saddest thing you’ve ever done. I actually went through a mourning period. Not for the items I gave away but I mourned for the loss of that chapter of my life. It was accepting that I am in my final chapter and that hit me very hard. It’s been over two years now since We downsized. I am happy to report that we don’t have a single regret. We love our new small condo.i don’t miss a single thing we passed on. You’ll get there too, of that I am sure. Wishing you all the very best.
I’m 60. Family has been dead for years. Younger relatives dont seem to care about even the most precious of family heirlooms. Downsizing is the hardest thing I have ever done. Finding out how little things are worth that you saved a lifetime is devastating
Your column should be mandatory reading. I am not done but you should include it is ok to cry buckets throughout the process
Hi Dee, Everything you say is so true. It’s difficult and painful as heck to downsize. If only someone had told me that I would donating or giving away all my most favorite treasures as well as family heirlooms maybe I would have given more thought before I purchased or accepted them in the first place. The lost money is one thing but the family photos that no one wants and other family heirlooms is truly heartbreaking.
Linda, thank you so much for all that you write, it is just so vital when people are struggling, I can’t stress enough how much all your advice and people’s posts have made me feel so much happier after such a roller coaster journey. After a full year of emotional attachment to ‘things’ I finally emptied a container load. Iike everyone I gave piles to charity, sold some and only made one mistakes. I sold a rosewood blanket box for £75 in Scotland, to find an identical one selling in America for $1000. Sadly, if I had the room and it had suited a modern house, I would have kept it, as I did love that piece. Not sure if it is the financial value that has now influenced how I am feeling, but it’s a regret and makes me sad. Yet, I happily gave very expensive items away free, I never thought about monetary value. Strange, before I moved house I moved it upstairs as I felt it no longer suited my room. Anyway, I won’t try and buy it back, Nor will I replace it, life moves on for us all. Being healthy and happy is the main thing but any wise words re this blanket box sadness would be appreciated. Xx
Hi Linda. Thank you for your article.
My mother passed away in June of 2020 from stage 4 pancreatic cancer at the age of 88.
She loved to hold onto things. It was quite an ordeal to get rid of so much of her stuff when I cleared out her home, and I’m still struggling with letting go of her old documents, old family photos (her mother, fathers, siblings, etc.), OUR family’s photos from when we were children, letters to her from her mother, her academic achievements and career achievements, and so on. She kept boxes full of documents, newspaper articles and photographs showcasing all of her many accomplishments throughout her life and various careers.
Obviously, it all meant more to her than it does to me, but by throwing all of those things away, I feel as though I am minimizing her life and her many accomplishments. So, I get stuck and hold onto it all.
I guess the key to my letting go is realizing that all of her memorabilia reflects HER LIFE and HER ACCOMPLISHMENTS, not mine.
Is that how I get to a place where I can let go of all those things? They have no “value” other than how they were significant to her.
Thank you.
– Paul
Hi Paul,
I am so sorry about your mom. I understand how traumatic it is, not only losing your mom but then having to sort through and make decisions on all her possessions. What helped me when going through the same situation was to go through once and immediately get rid of things that had zero meaning. Clothes, furniture, accessories etc. Then what I did was put everything that my mom would have never parted with in storage for a defined period of time. In my case I decided one year max. I needed some time to clear my head after she passed and found it too difficult to make decisions so close to her passing. After about six months I felt I was more ready to face it. Since we about to downsize ourselves, I had to be pretty brutal with my decisions.
The question I asked over and over as I went through her belongings, was “is this something one of my son’s would want to have some day?”. For the most part the answer was no. Like you said, some things had memories for my mom like old china from her grandmother, old quilts, and paper memorabilia, but these items were not meaningful to me or my children. What I did keep was family photos of ancestors, and a few treasured family memorabilia like my grandfathers medical kit from WWI and a watch that belonged to my great grandfather. These small items are in two boxes packed away for my son’s to someday go through and decide if they want them or not.
Another thing I did that I found helpful was to photograph everything that held sentimental value to her. That way I would have the memory without actually having to hang on to so much “stuff”. I wish you all the very best and whatever you decide to do, will be the right thing. Linda